Perfection??

Do we bloggers only let people see what we want them to see or are we transparent?

I don’t know how to answer this. I try to be transparent on my blog but obviously I don’t want to put all the negative in our lives otherwise people would never want to come to my blog—too much of a downer. I think there are some bloggers out there that want to make their lives look as perfect as they can to the outside world and in some way maybe that makes them feel better or gives them what they need. Other bloggers—like me and most of the blogs I read—try to put a mix of what they are going through in life but tempered with the happy things that go on as well. I try to do this and I have always thought I do it well and that people know my life is not perfect and that I struggle with MANY MANY things but yesterday I was told (not by a blogger friend) that I try to make my life look perfect to the outside world and that everything in my life is about how things look. This was shocking to me as I have always worked at being transparent. I try to be real and let others know that I really suck at many things in my life. But to say I am all about looks really hurt.

I have spent the last day thinking hard about this negative comment- coming from a negative person—and I have struggled with my feelings. Each of us struggle with different things. Some struggle with weight, some with finances, and some with raising their kids. I happen to struggle with all those things plus many more. I sometimes become robotic in my interaction with my family. Not that I don’t love and care for them but in the day to day of our lives, I become robotic—pick up, clean this, do your homework, put that away, get your hockey gear on, etc. I do the robotic thing out of the need to get things done and I see how that disposition can translate into maybe an uncaring air. I think if someone came over to my house everyday while we were doing homework and getting dinner made they would think I am a dictator. That is the time that things are getting done—when I am on my last leg just trying to get homework and dinner and all the other prep stuff done so I can get the kids off to hockey or whatever. It is not a pleasant time of day for us and I totally admit I am not the most pleasant during those hours—but I have never claimed to be. I don’t try to make myself look like I am this perfect Suzie Homemaker cooking my four course meal while kissing my hard working little homework warriors on the forehead. No, that time sucks and it is all I can do during those hours not to scream at my kids (which often times I do). But here is the deal. You cant judge a person based on a snip of their life. Yes, I tend to be less emotional than some but I care and love my kids and I show them this daily. My kids are loved and my life is not all about how it looks from the outside. I read some blogs and think I so wish I could be more like that mom—but I have no idea what their life is really like. That mom may seem wonderful on the outside but may struggle with issues just like I do.

The person I had this discussion with pointed out that I am not emotional and that someday I am going to have to deal with my emotions and when I do that my facade that I have built (being perfect) will come tumbling down. My response to that is this: I am not a super emotional person and am not super in touch with my emotions (surprising since I am a psychologist). I have never been super emotional—not sure why but I’m not. I am a “get over the emotions type person and lets get things done” type of person. I don’t think because I am not an emotional person that I am holding in some pent up issues that will eventually erupt. There are just some of us who are not super emotional. I prefer to deal with things I know I can change. I don’t like mulling over my emotions for no good reason. Do I need therapy? Sure we all do and I am sure someday therapy will be very useful but for now I have 3 kids and a husband to take care of and work. I have a full plate and while getting those emotions out would probably be cathartic, I'm just not ready to make the emotional, financial and time commitment that would be necessary to do so. I think it would be selfish to take that much time and finances away from our family for my own selfish gain. Yes I am sure I would get a lot from therapy but I just cant make that commitment now—maybe when the kids are older but not now.

So, if I put up a perfect front (which makes me laugh even typing it) I want all of you to know I am about as far from that as I could possibly be. I struggle with many things in my life and I get mad at my kids and get frustrated and yes, I even yell at my kids. I struggle with finances, I struggle with my weight and I struggle with work. My husband and I do not have a perfect marriage and we work at that as well and I am for sure not an award winning mom. But, with all that I still think I am a good person who is flawed. I think I am a giving person who loves her family dearly even though I may not show it 100% of the time. I am a real person with real issues that struggles like so many moms out there do. What I have trouble with is someone who has absolutely no responsibility other than getting themselves up out of bed each morning and maybe walking their dogs psychoanalyzing me. Someone who thinks they are a mock therapist because they have had to be in therapy for so many years judging my parenting and my connection with my kids and my husband. Someone who gets flustered after spending 2 hours with my kids and then has the audacity to judge my interaction with my kids based on their limited exposure. Not understanding that I spend 24/ 7 with my kids and that not every interaction is sheer bliss and will result in loving embraces. I have big time issues with anyone who forces their unwanted, uneducated, uninformed, holier than thou opinion onto another person who did not ask nor wants their pitiful attempt at being a mock therapist. A person who in their cloud of overindulgent emotions thinks with fervor that their analysis of a situation is correct and that anyone who doubts this is just pushing away the truth. So, to this person (who does not read my blog but I had to vent anyway) take your opinions far from me because I do not need your negativity nor your review of my life based on your own inadequacies. I don’t need your 2 cent analysis of my life when you cant even handle your own. I don’t need you bringing me down and hurting me like you do almost every time we are together. Just like Kevin asked me last night “when are you going to realize that you do not need this person in your life?” When am I going to? Well, I guess I will answer his question —Today!!!

Sorry to vent but this was greatly needed.