Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Do we bloggers only let people see what we want them to see or are we transparent?

I don’t know how to answer this. I try to be transparent on my blog but obviously I don’t want to put all the negative in our lives otherwise people would never want to come to my blog—too much of a downer. I think there are some bloggers out there that want to make their lives look as perfect as they can to the outside world and in some way maybe that makes them feel better or gives them what they need. Other bloggers—like me and most of the blogs I read—try to put a mix of what they are going through in life but tempered with the happy things that go on as well. I try to do this and I have always thought I do it well and that people know my life is not perfect and that I struggle with MANY MANY things but yesterday I was told (not by a blogger friend) that I try to make my life look perfect to the outside world and that everything in my life is about how things look. This was shocking to me as I have always worked at being transparent. I try to be real and let others know that I really suck at many things in my life. But to say I am all about looks really hurt.

I have spent the last day thinking hard about this negative comment- coming from a negative person—and I have struggled with my feelings. Each of us struggle with different things. Some struggle with weight, some with finances, and some with raising their kids. I happen to struggle with all those things plus many more. I sometimes become robotic in my interaction with my family. Not that I don’t love and care for them but in the day to day of our lives, I become robotic—pick up, clean this, do your homework, put that away, get your hockey gear on, etc. I do the robotic thing out of the need to get things done and I see how that disposition can translate into maybe an uncaring air. I think if someone came over to my house everyday while we were doing homework and getting dinner made they would think I am a dictator. That is the time that things are getting done—when I am on my last leg just trying to get homework and dinner and all the other prep stuff done so I can get the kids off to hockey or whatever. It is not a pleasant time of day for us and I totally admit I am not the most pleasant during those hours—but I have never claimed to be. I don’t try to make myself look like I am this perfect Suzie Homemaker cooking my four course meal while kissing my hard working little homework warriors on the forehead. No, that time sucks and it is all I can do during those hours not to scream at my kids (which often times I do). But here is the deal. You cant judge a person based on a snip of their life. Yes, I tend to be less emotional than some but I care and love my kids and I show them this daily. My kids are loved and my life is not all about how it looks from the outside. I read some blogs and think I so wish I could be more like that mom—but I have no idea what their life is really like. That mom may seem wonderful on the outside but may struggle with issues just like I do.

The person I had this discussion with pointed out that I am not emotional and that someday I am going to have to deal with my emotions and when I do that my facade that I have built (being perfect) will come tumbling down. My response to that is this: I am not a super emotional person and am not super in touch with my emotions (surprising since I am a psychologist). I have never been super emotional—not sure why but I’m not. I am a “get over the emotions type person and lets get things done” type of person. I don’t think because I am not an emotional person that I am holding in some pent up issues that will eventually erupt. There are just some of us who are not super emotional. I prefer to deal with things I know I can change. I don’t like mulling over my emotions for no good reason. Do I need therapy? Sure we all do and I am sure someday therapy will be very useful but for now I have 3 kids and a husband to take care of and work. I have a full plate and while getting those emotions out would probably be cathartic, I'm just not ready to make the emotional, financial and time commitment that would be necessary to do so. I think it would be selfish to take that much time and finances away from our family for my own selfish gain. Yes I am sure I would get a lot from therapy but I just cant make that commitment now—maybe when the kids are older but not now.

So, if I put up a perfect front (which makes me laugh even typing it) I want all of you to know I am about as far from that as I could possibly be. I struggle with many things in my life and I get mad at my kids and get frustrated and yes, I even yell at my kids. I struggle with finances, I struggle with my weight and I struggle with work. My husband and I do not have a perfect marriage and we work at that as well and I am for sure not an award winning mom. But, with all that I still think I am a good person who is flawed. I think I am a giving person who loves her family dearly even though I may not show it 100% of the time. I am a real person with real issues that struggles like so many moms out there do. What I have trouble with is someone who has absolutely no responsibility other than getting themselves up out of bed each morning and maybe walking their dogs psychoanalyzing me. Someone who thinks they are a mock therapist because they have had to be in therapy for so many years judging my parenting and my connection with my kids and my husband. Someone who gets flustered after spending 2 hours with my kids and then has the audacity to judge my interaction with my kids based on their limited exposure. Not understanding that I spend 24/ 7 with my kids and that not every interaction is sheer bliss and will result in loving embraces. I have big time issues with anyone who forces their unwanted, uneducated, uninformed, holier than thou opinion onto another person who did not ask nor wants their pitiful attempt at being a mock therapist. A person who in their cloud of overindulgent emotions thinks with fervor that their analysis of a situation is correct and that anyone who doubts this is just pushing away the truth. So, to this person (who does not read my blog but I had to vent anyway) take your opinions far from me because I do not need your negativity nor your review of my life based on your own inadequacies. I don’t need your 2 cent analysis of my life when you cant even handle your own. I don’t need you bringing me down and hurting me like you do almost every time we are together. Just like Kevin asked me last night “when are you going to realize that you do not need this person in your life?” When am I going to? Well, I guess I will answer his question —Today!!!

Sorry to vent but this was greatly needed.


  1. You can vent anytime you need to. That's what's so great about this bloggy world. We'll always come back!!!!

  2. Christy I can so relate to that. Everyone has their own way of raising their family. For me, I spend a lot of time with my kids and my house is not spotlessly clean and perfect and some people think that makes me a bad person, but it is reasonably clean and organized, and my kids are healthy, happy, and well-adjusted and that's what matters to me. My husband once gave me very good advice. Early in our marriage when we were struggling with infertility and someone commented that "good people" have children, he told me "water off a duck's back". Now when people say things that hurt me, I try to remember "water off a duck's back" and love them anyway. It works for me most of the time. Then when people pick on me for not doing things the way they do, I just make a joke about it and then go about doing what I think is best. I can't change the way other people feel, but I can change the way I respond to them.

  3. Christy. I am Alis mom Arlene and since when is it proper to air your dirty laundry?? WE all have days when we want to strangle everyone and when our husbands drive us crazy, we all have that, do We want to hear it??,no, we enjoy reading about your life and your adorable kids. I have been married 50 yrs. now and I still have those days. The reason that so many people read your blog is because of all the FRIENDS you have and maybe THAT is what is irrating your "so called friend"
    (by the way, I have one like that also) It is neat to hear all the stuff you do, Ali and I chat about that and enjoy what you say and I have to admit that NEVER have I thought you had a perfect Life, only a loving and rich one!!! Aren't PEOPLE wierd and funny sometimes. Ignore those kind and if you give up your friend maybe I will have the courage to that with mine. Love your imperfect life.

  4. Well, I for one, wouldn't keep coming to your blog if I thought you were perfect! (or acted that way). I get the feeling that you are who you are. We are all just trying to do the best we can do to raise great kids. Whoever told you this is just crazy! Let them try it! I am not a super emotional person either. I don't see anything wrong with that. I think this person must be unhappy with their own life and are trying to find fault with you to make themselves feel better.

    PS I wouldn't want to read your blog if it was negative all the time either (I have enough of that in my own life :)
    If you're like me, your main reason to keep this blog is for your kids later on. I want them to remember all the good things and also see a little of the frustrations too.

    You're awesome! Don't give that "friend" another thought!

  5. I am shocked that someone would say this to you, because although it seems like you have a very nice life, you blog about a lot and do not come across like everything is perfect or a bed of roses!! We all have bad days, weeks, or even months.....but other than the occasional vent who wants to talk about all the bad or negative things that happen in our daily lives. We want to talk about the fun things we do with our family, tell funny stories about our kids, and of course share all those precious pictures!! Unfortunately, there are people out there that have an incessant need to judge others....try not to listen to them and take it in stride....I know that is easier said than done....but try to let it go!!

    My final note is that this is YOUR BLOG and you should blog about what you want!!

    Hugs to you girl,


    PS....I still owe you an email....I will get to it tonight:)

  6. Oh my gosh - I had to snort a few times out loud as I read this! Don't get me wrong, I think you are beautiful & your house is beautiful and your Mia is always dressed cute & your family has a lot of fun (camping & heading to the sand dunes) but once I am over that slight jealousy, I KNOW you are a real person. I think you are VERY transparent!! I think Kim (3 Peanuts) put it best once when she said that the blog is alittle like taking a walk through the neighborhood & peeking in peoples' living room curtains - you only catch a little bit of what their lives are like!

    I have had this kind of "friend" before and honestly, severance is the only thing that worked! I allowed the destruction in my life for long enough and one day I decided to stand up for myself, for MY FAMILY!!! Christy, you are a daughter of the KING and a mother to 3 wonderful kids & a wife & it is all HARD. Hard work.

    I think you are doing great :)

  7. Christy,
    You come across to me as a very honest, open loving person. I've never met you but I don't think you are fake and I can tell you have a good heart. I'm glad you realized you don't need that negative person in your life. It's hard to walk away because you're a christian, but sometimes you have to for your own sanity. Hang in there.

  8. Okay... We are going to get along way to well.. everyone who is real has issues and problems.. if they have a perfect life and perfect marriage they are living in Never Never Land..
    don't let anyone tell you that you are a bad parent or anything else. you are the BEST..
    I get very upset with my kids when they don't follow rules.. and I try to keep my blog more positive so that Isabella knows the great things leading up to her arrival.
    You are AMAZING.. I love ya girly..
    And can't wait to MEET YOU..
    Did you find out any other info on the tickets..??? hugs..

  9. Ok, I read the first paragraph of this and did not need to read on.
    I have never thought that you are not showing a 'real' picture of your family and life. Your blog is for you to share what you wish. And your life is yours to live the way you want. I would never for a minute believe you are 'just about outward appearances'. You are a wonderful person who has made a positive impact on the world around you. It sounds to me like you have a jealous friend. Please do not struggle with this anymore.

  10. Chrsity---

    I am sorry you have had to deal with this from someone in your life. I have had people tell me that our life looks too good to be true but I know that while I have a GREAT life, it is not perfect. We struggle with serious health problems in our family. I share the tough times (today's post for example) but people choose to see what they want to see. My guess is like you have already figured out, this person is not happy in HER life. I do always try to examine these comments carefully when people make them because I always there any truth to it. But from what I can tell you share the ups and the downs here. In fact, I think you share more that most.

    I hope you are not upset by her and that you continue to be you.


  11. You are one of the most down-to-earth bloggers I know. In fact, you share the good times and the bad times. Keep being you! You are a great mom and a great friend! Hang in there!

  12. Christy,
    I say "Bah" to whomever made that comment to you. I think all of us bloggers are transparent to whatever degree we feel comfortable. Some days I put the positive spin on life and others I write it like it really is. My blog; my perogative.

    You rock, and the snippets of life you share dont' come across to me as someone trying to be perfect. I think you lead a wonderful life--and I love reading about it, but clearly, the person who made that comments made it from the place in life they're standing in. It probably has very little to do with how you're presenting yourself, and everything to do with someone going on in her life.

  13. Well said vent! I think most of us blog as some sort of journal to remember these moments as our children grow up way to fast. You can still be "real" and choose to document the happy times shared by your family. Your family won't need reminders of the "other side". Those memories of difficult times are all so easy to remember.

    Enjoy your blog anyway you like it!

  14. Hi Christy,

    I am proud of you! I think you handle all that you juggle amazingly well. We are all human. We have good days and bad. We are MAMAS!! You make the most of every day and try to learn a lesson when we mess up from time to time. I think the saying "do not judge me until you have walked a mile in my moccasins" is very appropriate here. Things always look totally different when you have someone who is an outsider looking in. Stand tall and be proud of all you have done and accomplished! I think you are super and very human/non-perfect too!

    Much love and blessings,
    South Carolina

  15. The main reason I love coming to your blog is because you are "real" and "transparent" and you tell it like it is. I have never ever thought that you try to come across as being perfect. YOu keep doing what you are doing. Don't let that person ruin what you enjoy doing. That person is obviously not happy in her own life if she has time to worry and criticize yours. Keep up the great blogging!

  16. Christy,
    Hugging you from chilly MN! I think your honest and poignant words are so powerful here! I am sure there are many of us who feel like frazzled "robots" most days, (like me) trying our best to serve our kids, husbands, friends, etc... Of course it would be nice to always be put together and GREAT at all of it. But, you and I both know that none of us here are perfect! Our human imperfections will always cause us to stumble. But, I also know they will cause us to pick ourselves up and persevere. It is clear you are an awesome Mom, and friend. I am sorry that you have someone in your life that feels the need to personally attack you. I am with you, criticism can be helpful. But, this kind feels more like an attack to me! Blessings to you my friend. May today be one of pure peace & joy!


  17. Oh Christy, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that! It sounds like this person is just jealous and makes her feel better about herself by putting you down. She is so far off base I can't even stand it! One of the reasons why I liked your blog so much was for your honesty. Hey, you can't help it if you have an amazing husband and a wonderful life!! I'm glad that you vented and now you can move on. You are a great person! Don't let one comment bring you down!

  18. Hey Girl,

    It sounds to me like your friend is a little jealous of you. I wouldn't worry about her comments, sometimes you just have to consider the source. :) You have to be you and we can't spend our lives trying to be someone we are not nor can we always please everyone. That one is hard for me, but I am getting a lot better at it. Keep your chin up!! Your blog is great and I love coming here and checking in on your life!!

    Hugs, LA

  19. I LOVE IT Christy!!!! WE are SO MUCH ALIKE!!! :) You know...obviously...the other person telling you this THINKS she knows you...but in reality...she doesn't. (My mom accuses me of the EXACT SAME THINGS all the time because she "thinks she knows me".) But this person doesn't know you. I've only gotten to know you from online and I think you are a VERY REAL person...not holding back anything...the good, the bad...and the ugly! You are who you are...AND it just so happens that you like to look good too! That is SO no crime!!! You know different personalities respond in different ways. I am not always very emotional when I deal with my kids either...but I am VERY tender when something touches my heart. I bet you are too!!! The daily grind is SUCH a chore...and if you're like like "let's just get this done!!" There's nothing wrong with that! I hope you're not still down about what this person said. Your hubby is right....we don't need anyone in our lives bringing us down, or speaking things over us that aren't true! Honestly...I look at your family online and think GOSH...I'd love to be more like them!!! Actually...from everyone I have met online...there's something from each one that I'd love to take and learn from and be more like!! What a great way to make friends...and have our "lids lifted" in who we are as people!! I think you're AWESOME....and're right...if that person had to do what we do, day in and day out...they would DEFINITELY not be saying a word!! Monday morning quarterbacking is an easy job! Get a dose of reality....and that attitude of judgement sort of leaves!! :) I hope you have a great Thursday night!!!
    Love ya girl!!

  20. Girl, get that person out of your life! I am not emotional either and am working on it for Gs sake. Actually that isn't true right now my emotion is anger and I am def working on that!! Being transparent to some people is earned in that if you can trust that person to be open to. Otherwise keep whatever facade you need up. Obviously with that person it needs to be up!!

  21. Run far away from that person. That person will probably realize that they need you in their life more than they thought and now you will not be in it. People that say dumb things like usually end up hurting themselves in the long run.

  22. First off...Huge hugs for you my sweet, sweet friend. Second, I totally get were you are at and have wanted SOOOO badly to write a post very similar to this. I had two people who I thought were dear friends use my blog against me and have said horrible things about me between each other and to others. Why I don't know, but after much thought (which is time I've wasted on them unfortunately), I've come to the conclusion that people like that are very jealous unhappy people. Unfortunately for us, the hurt they hurt us with stays with us and eats us up until we give it away and forgive. I've forgiven, but it will be hard to forget. One of my favorite quotes by someone I forgot is...hurt people hurt people.

    Your blog is your place to write what you want. It is your space to document your families life. It is not a space for someone to criticize! When someone has walked in your shoes, then they can make judgment, but NO ONE walks in your shoes but you and frankly I love the shoes you walk in. Continue to be you, you're a beautiful, strong woman and a wonderful mom.

    I admire you and LOVE your family!!! I hope I can give you a hug when I'm down in a few weeks....

  23. Christy~
    Seriously, whoever said that to you is probably a very unhappy person. You said she was negative. Some people can only try to fix their own hurt by trying to make others join their misery.

    Live your life the way you believe it should be done, blog about what you want and by all means, try not to listen to the negative people out there.


  24. WOW!!!
    I am not one to be speechless but I think I am!!
    All I can say is this person is not a friend..
    And I hate to say these next words..BUT listen to your husband..he is RIGHT:-)

  25. Christy, The proof is in the pudding - you have a wonderful husband, beautiful, intelligent and KIND HEARTED children. You and Kev must be doing something right. We both admire that you have always soldiered on in spite of obstacles in your way. We have know you since you were a little girl and you have always had this strength. Keep doing what you're doing -- we're proud of you and your family!

  26. This is your blog and you can write about whatever you want. We do not assume this is your entire life! We all use the blog for what our idea of "sharing" information is. I think anyone who criticizes you is a looney-toon idiot (sorry!).
    I am not emotional either. I hug and love my family but usually am the solid soldier and organizer for everyone. BUT, we do sometimes need to change, to slow down and show our softer side.
    We don't want perfection, we want your opinions, your family news, your ups and downs as YOU see fit to share. Keep blogging, love this post - that you shared it with us.
    So glad I stopped by to catch up on news (I am so far behind reading and commenting on my bloggy-friends).

    Alyzabeth's Mommy for FIVE Months!