Saturday, June 16, 2012

Doubt and Honesty

My friend Myra posted a wonderfully honest post that I needed to read this morning. Please read this post here before reading my response.

Myra and I met while adopting our two spina bifida kids-- Finley and Will. We met up in china
and enjoyed  a few fun days together. She is an amazing woman and I appreciate her friendship. I wanted to post her post and my response here because I want to encourage other adoptive moms who might be feeling this way but might feel like they cannot express their true feelings. There are a lot of adoptive moms out there that feel just like Myra and I and I think we need to support each other and talk about our concerns. I for one and nervous as heck and thought this would be appropriate for many people to read as Im sure a significantly higher number of readers will be checking out my blog over the next few days becuase of Emery's adoption. I want all those readers to see that us adoptive moms are not these super strong moms who have no doubt that they are doing the right thing. Im posting my response to Myra's post. Im not editing it at all because I need to head out but I did want you all to get a good feeling of where I am at right now. So, the good, the bad and the ugly will be posted here and I think it is essential to keep it real!!!

Oh Myra,
I feel like such a lame friend. Ive been so wrapped up in my own life that I have been pushing everything and everyone to the side. I mean well and plan to call back and email etc. but I never do because I am so consumed with my own stuff. Im just so sorry for not only not being available but also maybe not keeping it as real as I should. Ill tell you right now that I for one can join your group. It is so hard and I am one who  is supportive of other adoptive moms.

So here I sit in Kunming China only about 20 hours away from receiving our 5th child and am filled with all kinds of doubt. I am nauseous and feel numb. I worry if I can handle a 5th let alone a baby. Im so nervous-- Im nervous and my stomach is churning as I type this. I deep down know we will be fine but I consume myself with the what ifs and my own limitations. Im not the most patient person and while my hubby luckily balances me out on that, I still struggle with the patience and the "neat freak" side of me and just not letting things go. Having an almost 14 year old son down to a 1 year old with 3 other kids inbetween and working 4 days a week freaks me out! I honestly worry Im going to screw my kids up. Like Im going to yell  at them so much that they are go to hate me. Im sooooo not perfect and am soooooo flawed and sooooooo not the patient "homeschoolish" type mom I assume would have 5 kids. I am about as opposite of that as I can imagine. I like to work, I like to be active and away from the home and I like doing stuff. Sitting around at home with the kids is good some of the time but I find myself discontented and wanting to GO do something. I struggle with this cuz Kevin is way more homebodyish and likes hanging with the kids and I struggle with this. As I type this I think-- then what am I doing getting another kid in about 20 hours-- what the heck am I doing??? But then I think about the fact that we feel called by God to do this and that He will help me do this even though I dont know I can. We are following His plan for our lives not our own and while I know it is not going to be easy, I know I will make it-- I always do-- but that does not mean I dont think what I am doing is crazy. I am so nervous I just cant think straight. I told Kev at breakfast this morinng that I am really worried I cant do this-- the lack of sleep, the juggling schedules, the 2 teen boys- the two kindergarten girls and a baby-- plus work-- I just am not sure. Kev is such a rock and he assured me that WE would handle this fine-- together. I appreciate that support but I am still not sold.

Anyway, so sorry to ramble but your post hit me hard. Pray for me-- 20 hours I will be a mom of 5-- I am so freaking nervous as I sit here in my hotel room and type this. Im thinking this post is so honest and I love your honesty that I think I might post this on my blog. Not sure yet but maybe this is something that needs to be out there and spoke about more often.

Thanks for your support!!

Christy :)


  1. HUGE tears!!! Wish my arms could reach to China! and seriously?? Do you still have a neat freak bone left?? hahaha! Kiss THAT goodbye...have you forgotten baby STUFF!! :) We are all stronger than we think...and more human than we imagine...there are day you will want feel inspired by the 'how do you do it comments' and other days you swear you will kick the next persons teeth in that says that to you!!! YOU WILL BE FINE!!! I've missed you tons!!! and you already know once you hold her tomorrow all this crazy doubt will be gone..right?!?!!! I CAN'T WAIT!!

  2. and Happy Father's Day Kevin...I know this is a bitter sweet day for you...but what a blessing to be in China and get Emery!! ;) (still crying!)

  3. Please comment!!! Dying to hear anything.

  4. I cannot tell you how glad I am to see you post this...Well, I would have been glad to see any one of the adoptive moms post this; just to know that I'm not alone in the way I feel sometimes. I know that God has called us to adopt this little one (#6), but I have felt just like you...Scared...doubtful...I am soooooo flawed as well; and wonder why God would want ME to be Marlee's mommy...There are a million things that go through my mind in regards to "what if's", and it's just nice to know I'm not alone....Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us!

  5. Christy- I know exactly how you are feeling!!! I had two days in Russia where the spiritual welfare had me in an emotional mess! My doubts about why we were there, if I could handle 4 kids, my insecurities, the travel exhaustion, missing the other kids at home, all of it...I hit a big depression & doubt wall. Andrew was a rock & reminded me that we were there for a reason-God's purpose was for us to be Jonathan's parents & he had gotten us there. Emery was meant to be yours-meant to be a a Bock :) We weren't meant to handle this have a ton of support & it's so great that you are being honest with everything instead of keeping it in. I'm praying you will have nothing but joy & peace when you meet her tomorrow!!!!

  6. refresh button may explode soon!! ;)

  7. Christy, you are so incredibly blessed. You may feel incredibly overwhelmed right now, you are in a stressful situation! I'm sure you've felt this way to some degree with each adoption! I don't know you from Adam...but pictures don't lie and your kids look happy, healty, and well cared for. Enjoy this time with your newest baby (and husband!). I'm sure there with be plenty of stress and bumpy roads when you get home! Can't wait to see that precious babe!!

  8. I tried to post last night and i couldn't!!! But, i do believe God knows what he's doing. Your an amazing Mom, i only wish i had half the energy you have..Your one of the very few people in my life that puts her mind to something and get's done within the fastest amount of time. Your gonna be amazing with Emery and i cant wait to see your loving arms around your sweet baby girl. Happy Father's Day Kevin!! God's just blessed with you with the most amazing gift!!!


  9. I could have written this post - ok in about 5 months - down to the city! We were so surprised when we felt led to bring home our newest little guy from kunming when we were dealing with our son. Really God a baby? But then we realized oh yeah really it's God. Praying for you all

  10. Hell yes, thank you for posting this!!!

    I feel like this so needed to be said.

    I am so done with the perfect moms adopting and indicating there is one way to parent children. Co sleeping, stay at home mom, God loving, perfect wives and perfect moms.

    Now don't get me wrong, I am God loving and I feel called to adopt again. But I doubt God cares that I am not perfect and that I like my alone time. I doubt he cares that I like going to work on a lot of days. I doubt that he cares that I yell at my kids when they don't listen to me for the umpteenth time. I doubt he cares that I question myself. God knows we are human and has low expectations of me given that fact, lol.

    If we all lowered the standards for parenting adoptive kiddos to that of bio children, way more ppl would feel comfortable adopting. Especially a child labeled 'SN'. Seriously, there is a group of 'bad mom' blogs for bio kids that are well published. But god forbid an adoptive parent jokes about loosing it during a parenting moment with an adoptive kiddo. Such a double standard that we bring on ourselves!!

    Anyway, all I can say is thank you for saying this!!!!!!