Doubt and Honesty

My friend Myra posted a wonderfully honest post that I needed to read this morning. Please read this post here http://onemoremakes4.blogspot.com/2012/06/why-we-need-each-other.html?showComment=1339906997270#c561243265217511267 before reading my response.

Myra and I met while adopting our two spina bifida kids-- Finley and Will. We met up in china
and enjoyed  a few fun days together. She is an amazing woman and I appreciate her friendship. I wanted to post her post and my response here because I want to encourage other adoptive moms who might be feeling this way but might feel like they cannot express their true feelings. There are a lot of adoptive moms out there that feel just like Myra and I and I think we need to support each other and talk about our concerns. I for one and nervous as heck and thought this would be appropriate for many people to read as Im sure a significantly higher number of readers will be checking out my blog over the next few days becuase of Emery's adoption. I want all those readers to see that us adoptive moms are not these super strong moms who have no doubt that they are doing the right thing. Im posting my response to Myra's post. Im not editing it at all because I need to head out but I did want you all to get a good feeling of where I am at right now. So, the good, the bad and the ugly will be posted here and I think it is essential to keep it real!!!


Oh Myra,
I feel like such a lame friend. Ive been so wrapped up in my own life that I have been pushing everything and everyone to the side. I mean well and plan to call back and email etc. but I never do because I am so consumed with my own stuff. Im just so sorry for not only not being available but also maybe not keeping it as real as I should. Ill tell you right now that I for one can join your group. It is so hard and I am one who  is supportive of other adoptive moms.


So here I sit in Kunming China only about 20 hours away from receiving our 5th child and am filled with all kinds of doubt. I am nauseous and feel numb. I worry if I can handle a 5th let alone a baby. Im so nervous-- Im nervous and my stomach is churning as I type this. I deep down know we will be fine but I consume myself with the what ifs and my own limitations. Im not the most patient person and while my hubby luckily balances me out on that, I still struggle with the patience and the "neat freak" side of me and just not letting things go. Having an almost 14 year old son down to a 1 year old with 3 other kids inbetween and working 4 days a week freaks me out! I honestly worry Im going to screw my kids up. Like Im going to yell  at them so much that they are go to hate me. Im sooooo not perfect and am soooooo flawed and sooooooo not the patient "homeschoolish" type mom I assume would have 5 kids. I am about as opposite of that as I can imagine. I like to work, I like to be active and away from the home and I like doing stuff. Sitting around at home with the kids is good some of the time but I find myself discontented and wanting to GO do something. I struggle with this cuz Kevin is way more homebodyish and likes hanging with the kids and I struggle with this. As I type this I think-- then what am I doing getting another kid in about 20 hours-- what the heck am I doing??? But then I think about the fact that we feel called by God to do this and that He will help me do this even though I dont know I can. We are following His plan for our lives not our own and while I know it is not going to be easy, I know I will make it-- I always do-- but that does not mean I dont think what I am doing is crazy. I am so nervous I just cant think straight. I told Kev at breakfast this morinng that I am really worried I cant do this-- the lack of sleep, the juggling schedules, the 2 teen boys- the two kindergarten girls and a baby-- plus work-- I just am not sure. Kev is such a rock and he assured me that WE would handle this fine-- together. I appreciate that support but I am still not sold.

Anyway, so sorry to ramble but your post hit me hard. Pray for me-- 20 hours I will be a mom of 5-- I am so freaking nervous as I sit here in my hotel room and type this. Im thinking this post is so honest and I love your honesty that I think I might post this on my blog. Not sure yet but maybe this is something that needs to be out there and spoke about more often.

Thanks for your support!!

Christy :)