I just read this article and loved it so much I had to post it on my blog. It is AWESOME!! It is exactly what I have thought forever! We coddle our kids. We tell them they are good at everything. We don't let them suffer the consequences of their actions. All of these things are creating a generation of kids who cant fend for themselves, make decisions, have no work ethic and cant handle disappointments. They are lacking in so many areas because WE are doing it to them!!!
This article is awesome and I could have literally written it myself. I see this in the schools and working with kids. It is SOOOOO true! I get a bit of flack for not stepping in when my kids do stupid stuff and allowing them to suffer the natural consequences of their actions. I also get flack for telling my kids NO!! If they didn't earn it then they don't get it. Just because the boys broke a hockey stick does not mean I need to run out and buy them one-- they need to earn it and work for it and then I am happy to replace the stick. I also get flack for the "risky behaviors" I allow. These "risky behaviors" involve allowing the kids to climb OVER the play set or swing from a part of the swings that might cause my girls to get hurt. I allow them to scale walls and God forbid they might fall and get hurt-- oh well-- they will learn not to do that in the future-- right?? I catch a lot of flack for all kinds of parenting decisions but I will tell you that I am raising responsible kids that know I am not going to bale them out or give them an inflated sense of self worth. My kids will know what they are good at and what they are not good at and I will make them earn the things they want-- not need-- but want. I talk to my boys and tell them the stupid things I did and we talk through their decisions. I let my kids play outside till the street lights come on-- just like we did-- and I punish when they do stupid stuff. This is not rocket science. I raise my kids like I was raised 30+ years ago.
We have dumbed down our kids and our kids and their futures are suffering. Do you want to know how many classes on field trips go down to the farm where Kevin farms - www.amysfarm.com- and the parents are bathing their in sanitizer for fear they might get germs on them. Do you know how many parents see Emery and the other little farm kids roaming unattended playing all day who ask "whose kids are those and why are they not being watched?" The parents are not letting the kids be kids. They hover over the kids and insulate their world so that nothing bad happens to them. Guess what parents??? That's not the real world and a generation has now been launched who were raised that way and IT IS NOT WORKING!!!! These kids are inept and they are not ready for hard work. They have no work ethic because if they don't like the work and it is not making them "happy" then they quit. NO WORK ETHIC!!! These kids have no idea how to work hard because they never had to hold a job because their parents didn't want them to "be distracted from their studies." Guess what?? Studies show the kids who worked-- like I did and like my 15 year old son did all last summer-- got better grades then the kids who didnt work!! They learn how to prioritize and multi-task and most importantly-- HOW TO WORK HARD!!! They learn that they might not be "happy" in what they are doing or maybe not even like the work they are doing-- BUT, after the end of the day, they earned money and that pushes them to go back the next day.
People, please read this article. It's important for your kids. I'm not saying I am perfect-- my goodness Kevin and I are far from perfect-- but we try to parent realistically much like my parents did 30+ years ago. Its not perfect and honestly it would be easier if I were more indulgent with my kids- but I will not do that to them. To let them experience delayed gratification is sooooo important. Would it be easier to just give it to them and not hear the whining? ABSOLUTELY!! Would I be teaching my kids that they get anything they want WHENEVER they want it? YES!! And I will not do that to them.
Anyway, i will post the link as well as the article is below.
http://www.forbes.com/sites/kathycaprino/2014/01/16/7-crippling-parenting-behaviors-that-keep-children-from-growing-into-leaders/
While I spend my professional time now as a career success coach,
writer, and leadership trainer, I was a marriage and family therapist in
my past, and worked for several years with couples, families, and
children. Through that experience, I witnessed a very wide array of both
functional and dysfunctional parenting behaviors. As a parent myself,
I’ve learned that all the wisdom and love in the world doesn’t
necessarily protect you from parenting in ways that hold your children
back from thriving, gaining independence and becoming the leaders they
have the potential to be.
I was intrigued, then, to catch up with leadership expert Dr. Tim Elmore
and learn more about how we as parents are failing our children today —
coddling and crippling them — and keeping them from becoming leaders
they are destined to be. Tim is a best-selling author of more than 25
books, including Generation iY: Our Last Chance to Save Their Future, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, and the Habitudes® series. He is Founder and President of Growing Leaders, an organization dedicated to mentoring today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow.
Tim had this to share about the 7 damaging parenting
behaviors that keep children from becoming leaders – of their own lives
and of the world’s enterprises:
1. We don’t let our children experience risk
We live in a world that warns us of danger at every turn. The “safety
first” preoccupation enforces our fear of losing our kids, so we do
everything we can to protect them. It’s our job after all, but we have
insulated them from healthy risk-taking behavior and it’s had an adverse
effect. Psychologists in Europe
have discovered that if a child doesn’t play outside and is never
allowed to experience a skinned knee, they frequently have phobias as
adults. Kids need to fall a few times to learn it’s normal; teens likely
need to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend to appreciate the
emotional maturity that lasting relationships require. If parents remove
risk from children’s lives, we will likely experience high arrogance
and low self-esteem in our growing leaders.
2. We rescue too quickly
Today’s generation of young people has not developed some of the life
skills kids did 30 years ago because adults swoop in and take care of
problems for them. When we rescue too quickly and over-indulge our
children with “assistance,” we remove the need for them to navigate
hardships and solve problems on their own. It’s parenting for the
short-term and it sorely misses the point of leadership—to equip our
young people to do it without help. Sooner or later, kids get used to
someone rescuing them: “If I fail or fall short, an adult will smooth
things over and remove any consequences for my misconduct.” When in
reality, this isn’t even remotely close to how the world works, and
therefore it disables our kids from becoming competent adults.
3. We rave too easily
The self-esteem movement has been around since Baby Boomers were
kids, but it took root in our school systems in the 1980s. Attend a
little league baseball game and you’ll see that everyone is a winner.
This “everyone gets a trophy” mentality might make our kids feel
special, but research is now indicating this method has unintended
consequences. Kids eventually observe that Mom and Dad are the only ones
who think they’re awesome when no one else is saying it. They begin to
doubt the objectivity of their parents; it feels good in the moment, but
it’s not connected to reality. When we rave too easily and disregard
poor behavior, children eventually learn to cheat, exaggerate and lie
and to avoid difficult reality. They have not been conditioned to face
it.
4. We let guilt get in the way of leading well
Your child does not have to love you every minute. Your kids will get
over the disappointment, but they won’t get over the effects of being
spoiled. So tell them “no” or “not now,” and let them fight for what
they really value and need. As parents, we tend to give them
what they want when rewarding our children, especially with multiple
kids. When one does well in something, we feel it’s unfair to praise and
reward that one and not the other. This is unrealistic and misses an
opportunity to enforce the point to our kids that success is dependent
upon our own actions and good deeds. Be careful not to teach them a good
grade is rewarded by a trip to the mall. If your relationship is based
on material rewards, kids will experience neither intrinsic motivation
nor unconditional love.
5. We don’t share our past mistakes
Healthy teens are going to want to spread their wings and they’ll
need to try things on their own. We as adults must let them, but that
doesn’t mean we can’t help them navigate these waters. Share with them
the relevant mistakes you made when you were their age in a way that
helps them learn to make good choices. (Avoid negative “lessons learned”
having to do with smoking, alcohol, illegal drugs, etc.) Also, kids
must prepare to encounter slip-ups and face the consequences of their
decisions. Share how you felt when you faced a similar experience, what
drove your actions, and the resulting lessons learned. Because we’re not
the only influence on our kids, we must be the best influence.
6. We mistake intelligence, giftedness and influence for maturity
Intelligence is often used as a measurement of a child’s
maturity, and as a result parents assume an intelligent child is ready
for the world. That’s not the case. Some professional athletes and
Hollywood starlets, for example, possess unimaginable talent, but still
get caught in a public scandal. Just because giftedness is present in
one aspect of a child’s life, don’t assume it pervades all areas. There
is no magic “age of responsibility” or a proven guide as to when a child
should be given specific freedoms, but a good rule of thumb is to
observe other children the same age as yours. If you notice that they
are doing more themselves than your child does, you may be delaying your
child’s independence.
7. We don’t practice what we preach
As parents, it is our responsibility to model the life we want our
children to live. To help them lead a life of character and become
dependable and accountable for their words and actions. As the leaders
of our homes, we can start by only speaking honest words – white lies
will surface and slowly erode character. Watch yourself in the little
ethical choices that others might notice, because your kids will notice
too. If you don’t cut corners, for example, they will know it’s not
acceptable for them to either. Show your kids what it means to give
selflessly and joyfully by volunteering for a service project or with a
community group. Leave people and places better than you found them, and
your kids will take note and do the same.
Why do parents engage in these behaviors (what are they
afraid of if they don’t)? Do these behaviors come from fear or from poor
understanding of what strong parenting (with good boundaries) is?
Tim shares:
“I think both fear and lack of understanding play a role here, but it
leads with the fact that each generation of parents is usually
compensating for something the previous generation did. The primary
adults in kids’ lives today have focused on now rather than later.
It’s about their happiness today not their readiness tomorrow. I
suspect it’s a reaction. Many parents today had Moms and Dads who were
all about getting ready for tomorrow: saving money, not spending it, and
getting ready for retirement. In response, many of us bought into the
message: embrace the moment. You deserve it. Enjoy today. And we did.
For many, it resulted in credit card debt and the inability to delay
gratification. This may be the crux of our challenge. The truth is,
parents who are able to focus on tomorrow, not just today, produce
better results.”
How can parents move away from these negative behaviors (without having to hire a family therapist to help)?
Tim says: “It’s important for parents to become
exceedingly self-aware of their words and actions when interacting with
their children, or with others when their children are nearby. Care
enough to train them, not merely treat them to a good life. Coach them,
more than coddle. “
Here’s a start:
1. Talk over the issues you wish you would’ve known about adulthood.
2. Allow them to attempt things that stretch them and even let them fail.
3. Discuss future consequences if they fail to master certain disciplines.
4. Aid them in matching their strengths to real-world problems.
5. Furnish projects that require patience, so they learn to delay gratification.
6. Teach them that life is about choices and trade-offs; they can’t do everything.
7. Initiate (or simulate) adult tasks like paying bills or making business deals.
8. Introduce them to potential mentors from your network.
9. Help them envision a fulfilling future, and then discuss the steps to get there.
10. Celebrate progress they make toward autonomy and responsibility.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
The Best Article EVER!!!!
Posted by
Christy
at
10:54 AM
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Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Updates house
The little wall in the middle of the room is actually the island that the cabinets will but up again. It is where the large kitchen island will be.
This is the view into the dining area of the great room. There is no separation between the living area and the dining area. The dining area is the part with the three new windows that have yet to be placed. The area to the left of that is the fireplace with two windows on each side and that is the living area. It is a huge room.
This is the view of the living area with the fireplace and the two windows on each side. You can also see the three windows that my dining room.
Again, the dining area but you can also see where the three French doors out to a courtyard will be in on the other side of the courtyard is a separate structure which is a casita which will eventually be my office for my private practice. It has a bathroom closet shower and will function as an office but bedroom as well.
Stairs to upstairs. The landing area where my dad almost then goes down into the mudroom on the other side which is a feature about the house that I absolutely love. Two sides of the staircase a really cool I love having a mid room.
I didn't take a lot of pictures of upstairs because it's really hard to tell with just a bunch of framing and pipes in the wall that this is the bonus room and off of this room is the boys rooms As well as the bathroom.
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Christy
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9:28 PM
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Friday, December 13, 2013
The house
The house is coming along amazingly well. The plumbers and the air-conditioner and electricians all started today. It's about two weeks away from the combination inspection where the house will be closed up. Windows go in Monday the fireplace went in today and it is moving along at a rate that should be able to put us in by mid March or the beginning of April. I'm praying for mid-March. This process is a lot of fun but it also is extremely taxing with the ridiculous amounts of decisions you have to make immediately. We do a pretty good job making decisions because Kevin and I are not overly picky but it is a lot of stress. Furthermore, Kevin is doing all of the electrical with his dad and a few friends so that adds another stress level. Kevin is doing quite a few of the steps along the way for us to save money.
Front of house by sign
Stairs go into mud room or into great room. Both stairs end up on landing. Can I express how excited I am to have a mud room!!!
Great room. Fireplace went in today. Bookshelves and windows on each side of fireplace. Big blank wall
View out French doors by dining room area (the section separated into 3) and the front door is the other hole.
View from dining room area French doors over across court yard to casita (detached bedroom and bathroom that will Function as an office for cornerstone)
Posted by
Christy
at
4:40 PM
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Saturday, November 23, 2013
Hockey
Even though I've been away from the blog for a long time not a lot has changed in regards to the hockey season. It's still many games every weekend and while we enjoy it it does dominate quite a bit of our time. Here are some pics from the game today. Owen also had a game but we had to divide and conquer so Kevin took him to his game and I took Ethan to his game in Anaheim. Ethan's team is doing phenomenal! They are in first place in the league and are just so much fun to watch! Owens team is doing really well also. Because so much of our time is split between the two teams I don't get nearly as many opportunities to watch Owen play as I do Ethan but I still completely enjoy every second of it! The girls also enjoy going to games and always take the fun stuff to play with while were there. They also get to see their grandparents often attending the game so that's always an extra bonus with them.
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Christy
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4:21 PM
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Friday, November 22, 2013
Oh my sweet Em!
I love my Fridays! I do not work on Fridays so I have time to just chill with Emery and she is such a delightful kid! She is fun happy and there's never a dull moment. She rarely throws fits unless prompted by her siblings and is just a happy kid! We are off to target to get some necessities and she is just as happy and cheerful as can be. Absolutely love it!
Posted by
Christy
at
10:30 AM
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Friday, November 15, 2013
Ummm... 6 Months???
Seriously cant believe it has been 6 months since I have posted. I am a terrible blogger and honestly, 5 kids has kept me from doing a lot of relaxing which is usually when I blog. I post on facebook here and there but just forget to do more than that-- so sorry! I will do my best to catch up today.
Since my last post in May so many things have happened-- I don't even know where to start. I think I will start with Finley since I have had so many people ask me how she is doing. (BTW, all pics are IPhone pics so they are terrible-- sorry!)
My sweet Fin :) She is now in Kindergarten and loving it. She is still our super sweet child and just goes with the flow-- I love that about her. As many remember, Finley was born with Spina Bifida and was completely continent since we got her at age 3 years 2 months. She started to have symptoms of tethered cord (spinal cord being stretched causing loss of function) in January. We immediately took her to ER and they admitted her and did 9 hour emergency tethered cord surgery the next day. The surgery rendered Fin incontinent but the doctors thought her function would return since she was experiencing spinal shock. Over the last several months, her bowel function has returned to about 80%. She still has some issues and will have accidents here and there but for the most part, her bowels have returned. Her bladder function has not quite returned. She can empty about 30% of her bladder but that is about it. To empty the remaining contents of her bladder we catheterize her 4 times a day. We cath her in the morning, the nurse at school caths her at 1pm and then we do it again when she gets home from school and right before bed. We have been praying her bladder function would return but at clinic in August they said she is probably as good as it will ever be which basically means, she will be cath dependant for the rest of her life. I was very sad about this but Fin doesn't really care. She is totally chill about it and does not mind it at all. The hard part is that she use to be completely continent like any other kid before her tethered cord and after she lost function. It is a hard reality but she is fine and my mom was always cath dependant so Fin and my mom have this cute connection. Furthermore, the nurse who caths her at school is a good church friend of ours and she loves Finley to death so it is a great scenario. Next summer we are going to work on teaching Fin to cath herself so she can become independent in that area. Other than that, Fin is doing AMAZING and learning soooo much!! She is involved in Awana's at church and Daisys. She just celebrated her 6th birthday on October 12!
Next is Ethan. He is a sophomore and had his 15th birthday on August 25th. He started at a new school this year-- Upland High School. We are moving to a new city-- Upland-- in the spring and we offered the boys to attend their home public schools and they both wanted to leave the Christian school and start at Upland Schools-- so we did. The girls already were at Upland Schools (actually they attend the home school where our new house will be and we didn't even know that when we placed them there last year) so it was a natural to put all the kids in their home schools. So Ethan is at Upland High and really loves it. He has many church friends who also attend the same school so he had a great friend group to begin with. He is also playing ice hockey still and is on the Bishop Amat High School Team through the Anaheim Ducks High School Hockey League which is a big league around here. Currently, his team is number one in the league which is HUGE!!! They won a recent tournament and we are so proud of the team they have become. Ethan is a phenomenal defense man. He is really amazing and has great potential. If he can keep his grades up I can see the possibility of scholarships in his future. I am not one of those moms who think their kids are perfect-- heck no not me-- but Ethan is pretty darn good at hockey and has a great future in the game (like college level). He also just got his braces off this past week so he is loving the braces free smile-- he says girls like it too :) He also had a summer job as a prep cook at Union on Yale which is the restaurant my brother is the exec chef at. My dad paid his salary but Ethan did a wonderful job and will be hired back next summer as an employee. He also was able to save a big chunk towards his car when he gets his license.
p
Kev is doing a lot of steps on the house himself to keep the cost of the build low. He is doing the electrical, a lot of the rock work, the flooring and a few more things as well. Its going to save us a lot of money but it is a lot of work. He is also doing a lot of farming at Amy's Farm-- about 2-3 times a week and he takes Emery to play down there when he works. She loves hanging out with all the cousins and other kids at the farm and there is a ton for her to do-- she loves it-- and so does Kev-- it is his happy place.
I think that is about it for an update. Sorry it took me 6 months to get this update but I will try to be better!
Here are some recent family pics as well.
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11:01 AM
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