Many of you are probably saying-- oh it cant be that bad. Your are correct. If you don't mind crying for just about everything that does not go an independent 3 year olds way, then your right, its not so bad. BUT, if you want to take your own eyes out with a spoon to escape the torture of that same independent 3 year olds incessant non stop whining and fussing and all out crying-- then IT IS THAT BAD!!!!!
I really don't know what to say other than she is just driving us all nuts. She is soooooooooo independent and likes things to go her way and when they don't, you better watch out. She just goes on and on to the point we just ignore her most of the time. We cant stand the crying. I would say, out of 10 car rides in the van with the whole family, 6 out of the 10 car rides are with Mia screaming. It may have been that her brother just reached over her to shut the door and Mia wanted to shut it herself. Or it may have been that we did not happen to start the movie fast enough for her. Or it may have been that I told her she could not have a piece of gum. Whatever the case, the response from Mia is either fussing that escalates into crying or crying that continues on forever. Its all the time and just driving us nuts.
So, I need some help. I'm just not use to this. My boys were not criers and never tantrumed. They were difficult in other ways. So I'm just not use to this. I know it is pretty normal (although I think Mia is more of a pain in the bum than other 3 year olds Ive seen because of her stubborn independent nature) but it just rubs me the wrong way- Kevin too. So, in our desperation we just ignore her and let her tantrum. So, here is my question, do we just let her go on forever crying and throwing a fit or do we make her stop? I do both. Weather permitting, sometimes I will put her outside in the backyard until she is done crying and the threat of that sometimes stops her but not always. I remember my dad forcing me to stop crying (being the perfect child I was-- NOT!!!) and telling me to stop or I would get more significant consequences. Not sure if that worked or not, but I remember him not allowing me to just continue crying forever. Literally, sometimes Mia will go on for 45 minutes screaming crying the whole time over something as simple as I would not let her have a snack. She is not like that for my mother in law that watches her once a week and is not like that when we have babysitters or when she is at preschool-- just for mom and dad-- lucky us!! I need advice because I don't want her in therapy 20 years from now trying to get over the trauma we horrible parents caused her, but I don't want to encourage the poor behavior either. We are not indulgent parents. We do not give her everything she wants and we do not hover over her in an effort to protect her from everything. We are firm believers in learning from mistakes and we allow her to do so. She is not coddled in anyway so we do not encourage the behavior by giving her attention when she acts poorly. But at this point we are not sure what we are doing works and we are open to any suggestions because were lost.
So, help please!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Posted by
Oh, I am so very interested in what responses you might get. You know that my diva child is at least like Mia if not moreso. For us, different things work at different times, or not at all.
ReplyDeleteBTW, Hope to see you sometime soon!
Christy,
ReplyDeleteI want to give you a great big hug... While Ruby has her moments, I don't think they are like what you are experiencing. Of course the key is to be consistent. When Ruby is being a "Br..." or absolutely naughty, she goes up to her room.. I shut the door and tell her I will be back when she is ready to be kind and gentle... Usually, our battles are sister related! (Super fun for Sienna to experience soon.)
I remember when we lived in Nashville one of my best friends had a difficult toddler. If they were at someone's house, she would say... "We are leaving before we embarasse ourselves." And, she would! Eventually, Jillian learned that bad behavior led to consequences she did not like...
I agree, it is hard to tell Mia she can't express herself. But, she needs to find a healthy way to do that. Hit a pillow, cry in your room, but the rest of you need peace and harmony!!!
I am sure you will get some great advice here! But, stick to your guns.. And, she will know it is not "OK!" There have to be some great books out there...
~Diana
Hey Christy - Our Carson is just about 3 and has similar reactions to the simplest of things. For us, we usually give a consequence if the tantrum and crying do not stop and then ensure we follow through on the consequence if he doesn't, as I think a lot us are guilty from time to time of throwing out punishments but not sticking to our guns. Carson is a freak right now for chocolate milk, and if we threaten to take that away for the day, he will stop his antics. Sure you guys are doing great. We'll be out in CA in March...
ReplyDeleteMike
Our Alexia, which is the same age as Mia, definitely acts the same way. She cries if she doesn't get her way most especially if we do something for her that she deems she could do herself. I do notice that things are worse when my husband is around. Perhaps because she knows that it works on him. When he is out of town, the meltdowns are few and far between. Alexia knows that I am not a pushover :)
ReplyDeleteWe have a three year old as well who doesn't cry all the time, but she does cry a lot. We take Lily up to her room and tell her she can cry up there (obviously, unless if it's a real reason she is crying such as she got hurt, etc.) and when she is done, she can come down to be with the rest of the family.
ReplyDeleteWe take her up there without talking and without making a fuss about it and try not to let her know that it drives us crazy. We try to remain emotionally detatched from her tantrum/fit. 9 times out of 10, she comes downstairs (not crying) within minutes, if not seconds.
Good luck! It was worse for us a few months ago, but has gotten better.
Unfortunately I have no advice, but I'll be reading to hear what your commenters have to say. I have the same problem with my 2 year old...whining constantly with a few head banging sessions thrown in for good measure! Drives me CRAZY!!!! Hang in there...I know how you feel!
ReplyDeleteI like the send up to her room idea. I think I might start trying that today. So what do you suggest for the car. That is a particularly difficult time becuase we are all trapped. It drives us and the boys crazy and she will screem like she is about to die. Car is tough and I hate walking on egg shells to try not to upset her in the car but we do beucase we know if we set her off then it is miserable for all of us. Uggg!!!
ReplyDeleteKeep the suggestions coming. I soooooooo appreciate it!!!
Christy :)
Well, you know I'm hard core and don't usually ever give advice as a result - because my style is not everyones. But you asked, sister - so here's the deal over here:
ReplyDeleteQ is two and heavy in the tantrum phase (x100) and I just put the halt-o on that every single time. We're learning "self-control". But that's me. If he's lost his mind over some small thing, I tell him "that's it, you're going to isolation until you get over it" - and I put him in his bed. I close the door and leave and tell him I'll be back when he calms down. Sometimes he screams, and I feel like - that's ok - get it all out. Sometimes he just whimpers and is fine within minutes. I usually listen for quiet (as soon as he calms down) and go right in.
I explain why he's there - i.e. "you're in isolation because you threw a temper tantrum and that is unacceptable behavior. We do not scream and cry when we don't get our way", and then I ask him if he understands and has his "self-control". I know these seem like big concepts - but he gets it and Mia will too. I ask him (don't laugh!) if he comes out of his room, can he have a happy heart? He says "yes mommy" and then I say "what do you need to do to make this right?" and he will then hug and say "sorry mommy/daddy". I know it sounds drawn out - but girl, stick to your guns.
If we're in the car, it's consequences and loss of privileges. He always has a car with him. I tell him "if you don't stop this temper tantrum, I'm taking your car and you will not get it back today". That usually works - withholding his toys - ouch. Sometimes, he could care less and carries on more. Still, I stick to it.
The advantage with Mia is that she's a little older so you can withhold privileges. She might not stop crying in the car but you tell her what she now has lost. When it comes time for the movie of the night or the dessert after dinner, or the next goodie of the day - she's not allowed to partake and you remind her "Mia, you're not going to be having dessert tonight with us because of your behavior in the car today. This is the consequence for that behavior. I hope you can learn to get your self-control and have a happy heart." She might have a tantrum on that alone. The good news is, the next time you're in the car - you remind her of this instance. Slowly but surely, you might begin to see results. A little more restraint each time she is tempted. And don't forget to remind her as she starts the tantrum. Takes lots of the same reiterations over and over and over before you see a real change taking place. Quint has responded really well to this. To each his own though...
The key is to be consistent. If you say you'll take something away - or whatever the consequence - follow through, even when it's hard for you. There are times I'm sad to have to follow through, because I don't want him to miss out on things - but you'd be amazed how quickly it will turn around with consistency. You'll quickly figure out her Achilles heal, and that will be your tool to help her learn that her behavior is wrong and hurtful to her family.
Again, I know it might sound dramatic - but temper tantrums are rampant and they breed daily. One day 2 of them, next day 5, next day ten and it seems like your whole day bleeds into tantrums. Take charge, Mama! You can do it! She's 3 - she's not in charge, and I tell Quint that all the time. "You are 2 years old, sir - and you are NOT in charge".
Bad Behavior
Warning
Consequence
Explanation
Restoration (apology for behavior)
Happy Heart
Woot woot!
(TMI, but you asked...) Love ya!
Sounds so like my Abby with out the crying. She will cry in throw things that are close by but the pouts. She will pout until the sun sets and rises again if you let her. She will also go off by herself to do her pout thing and sometimes you can't find her because she doesn't answer you when you call her. (Did this at Kmart once and scarde the begeezes out of me. Thank goodness another shopper let me know where she was) Anyhoo her pouts happen when things don't go her way or when we tell her NO she can't do something. She hangs her head and the bottom lip comes out.I wouldn't say everytime but often. Usually it is a standoff (at home) then she will eventually come and say she is sorry and we talk about why she was told no ect. I do have to constantly remind her that Mommy knows best! So no remedy from me but my sympathy's :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I double posted on accidemt. Sorry also for the typos!
ReplyDeleteWe also use the "you may go to your room for some -----(child's name) time", make sure there is nothing in the room that would make that a fun place to go (ie: our son is expected to sit/lay on his bed until he can pull it together, so no toys or fun things). He is allowed to read or draw (about his feelings). We have been using this method with about 85-90% success rate (he just turned 7). He understands the expectations of each family member including himself. With the car we have not had a lot of issues with car rides but the few times it has been an issue we have actually stopped the car (in a safe place of course) and simply let him know we would not leave until he was over it, it never took long because we would get out of the car and wait it out (leave him inside and us outside where we could not hear the crying so much). He realized that this was not a good idea in most cases and he quickly stopped with the car thing. Good luck! Sharon (in NC)
ReplyDeleteI don't really have advice but I do think it is a developmental stage for girls at that age....Kate went through a lot of tantrums and a lot of crying from 2 and 1/2 to 3 and 1/2 and finally...she is getting SO MUCH better. We also put her in her room or somewhere else enclosed for her to calm herself down and gain control but really, I think she will out grow it in a few months. I know it is hard...hang in there. Also, could she be tired? I know when Kate does cry a lot it is on days she is tired.
ReplyDeletethe only thing that has helped me with my kids when it comes to making the right choices is giving them 2 choices.. 1 is the good choice and comes with them getting to do what they would like the proper way.. and the other choice is the wrong choice in which they will go to thier room or time out. .and stay there .. for a certain amount of time.. and I HAD to do this every single time.. you can not say "Oh this time you will not.." you HAVE TO DO IT.. she knows that she can get it .. they are sooo smart..
ReplyDeletethat is what worked for me. not saying it is right..
I MISS YOU ..LOVE YOU..
Hugs..
No one else has mentioned it, so I will. Set a timer to see if she can go 5 minutes (or even 1 minute!!) without crying, and PRAISE PRAISE PRAISE her. If she like stickers, give her one! If she likes M and M's, give her one! 10 minutes later, set the timer again. And praise her again. Do it again. Repeat liberally. She'll get the message.
ReplyDeleteFor the car, set her up. Really. Set it up to go to a place that she really wants to go, BUT be determined to turn the car around immediately, if she starts crying. Sorta like leaving the grocery cart full at the store if they throw a tantrum for candy. If they know'll you leave, they're less likely to do it. If you take her home, it'll take the wind out of her sails, and she'll (over time) be less likely to do that.
It sounds like Mia's issues are control related, mostly. It could be age or it could be related to attachment.
Be proactive with the positive reinforcement. :) Don't wait till she cries, although at the beginning it's difficult to "catch them being good" but it is possible. You just have to be vigilant. :)
1-2-3 Magic is a good one for me. When mine starts crying (for not getting her own way or whatevah!), I count her. I wait 5 seconds in between counts, and if by 3 she's not "done", then she goes to her room, to make the noise in there (coz we're done with it too!). Yesterday, she pulled herself together by 2. She just stopped. Mind-blowing!!
So my cheap advice is positive reinforcement for good behaviour and 1-2-3 Magic for the icky stuff.
Good luck. 3 is such an interesting age!
Best,
Snick
dd Sunshine 8 3/4 Viet Nam
dd Brilliance 3 1/2
While she is in her room..have a little drink..it helps calm the nerves:)
ReplyDelete(Honestly I really do not know how you could get upset with her as she is just tooo CUTE)!!!
I follow Christie's Rules. There is a warning, followed by a detailed description of the consequence, and then you MUST follow through, and you really need to be consistent. We tell her she is free to cry, but we don't want to hear it, so she is removed to her room. When she is quiet for about 30-60 seconds, we go and calmly ask if she's ready to come out. We make sure that we aren't in "lecture" mode or "punishment" mode - we're just "all business" about it. A little while later, we'll talk about it, which she can usually do at that time. Sometimes she has gone to her room and screamed at the top of her lungs for 2+ hours. Other times, she's sobbing on the way up the stairs, saying "I'm all done, Mommy!" But she knows that she needs to be quiet in her room to be allowed to come back downstairs. And that quiet can not include the "I'm all done" stuff.
ReplyDeleteSophie went through this about 6 months ago. It really is easier for the rest of the family to just give in sometimes, but honestly, that would just be creating a bigger monster for the future. Stick to your guns and it will be (mostly) gone in about 2-3 weeks with a very rare relapse.
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ReplyDeleteWow you guys, I sooooo appreciate your help. I tried the put in her room today and it seemed to work. I dont know why we never thought about doing that before. The boys just never did this kind of stuff so we are just caught off guard. We do the whole straight business type thing while she is freaking out and just ignore her but we never remove her from the family and I think that has been our problem at this point. Today when I put her in her room, she really responded. She cried for over a half hour and I let her but at one point she stopped and I heard her calling for me so I went up there and she said she was done crying and then said she was sorry. I tried to do like Christie said and counsel her after and she seemed better. She has not thrown many tantrums today-- this is a very good day- so I am encouraged by her response. I pray many of you are correct and that she will just grow out of it. She is independant and strong willed and while she is a blast, she is just as challenging as can be--ugggg!!! Anwyay, thanks again for your suggestions and I also like Snicks idea of positive reinforcement and setting her up. I totally am going to do that. Maybe take her to the park and see how it goes with turing the car around if necessary. Im totally down for that. Anyway, thanks again and keep the suggestions coming. I love hearing your ideas.
ReplyDeleteChristy :)
You got great advice for the home. One thing that I learned for going out was to explain it all to them BEFORE you go out. Before you leave tell her where you are going, how you would like her to behave and then if she doesn't, what the consequence will be. It took me forever to learn this with my son. To this day if I forget to tell him before, then he behaves differently. If I tell him before he is nice and polite to everyone and can handle things better. He is almost 6 and still needs this.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion for the car is this: pull over, get out of the car and stand outside until she is done. Leave her in there (but don't go away from the car or you could be arrested for abandonment/endangerment). This way, you take away the audience and the power to drive everyone crazy. If you're in front of a convenience store, have the boys go inside and get themselves something to drink for themselves and you and enjoy them outside the car while she has her tantrum.
ReplyDeleteHi Christy, Very interesting subject. I'm going thru similar situation. All advices are good and valid. I would also recommend a book, that I have been reading and it has helped tremendously. The name is "To Train Up a Child" by Michael & Debi Pearl". Here is a link of some of the issues dealt by the book: http://www.gospeltruth.net/children/pearl_tuac.htm
ReplyDeleteVery good book indeed. Great results. God bless. Leila
WOW. So glad to hear that we are not the only ones dealing with the tantrums, whining and crying of a three year old. :) And totally agree with you, it drives me CRAZY!
ReplyDeleteWe have be doing the "bring her up to her room" approach to this too. Although, I hate going up the stairs multiple times a day. I am hoping that after a couple of weeks she will get the picture and realize that the whining and crying will no longer be tolerated.